I am in a vortex of obligation.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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