my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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