Yo dont text me then not text me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
