you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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