T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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