The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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