all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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