I hate your face
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
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I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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