I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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