she woke up with a sticky ear
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
