Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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