You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
