Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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