to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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