The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
