He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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