sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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