In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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