I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
