It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
