I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
