from now on my penis is your penis
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
