And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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