Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
