Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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