haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
