stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
