I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
