I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
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He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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