I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
