I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
