Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
