We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
