Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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