Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
