i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
