I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Enjoy the penises
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
