Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
