It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
