Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
