You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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