1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
