who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
