...so i touched it.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
