His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
