i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
