Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
