Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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