We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
