Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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