I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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