I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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