how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
