My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
