The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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