new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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