Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
