Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
