I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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