That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
